


Aubergine Dreams

by cecilkirk



Series: Heliocentric [3]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Ryden, domestic AU, trans!Ryan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 12:02:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6078600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cecilkirk/pseuds/cecilkirk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the throes of panic, Ryan can find solace in Brendon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aubergine Dreams

Ryan had always been an early riser. First to eat, first to put the coffee on, first to revel in the morning. Brendon knew he liked being alone at this time. Brendon knew his energy exhausted him. Ryan needed a quiet morning to prepare for the day, so Brendon let him.

He was never surprised to wake in an empty bed; in fact, he was surprised if Ryan hadn't left. Brendon took his time, leaving Ryan plenty of his own. Today was no exception--Brendon did not enter the kitchen until the sun was well aged, far above the horizon. When he did finally climb out of bed, he passed by the bathroom to see Ryan looking in the mirror.

"Good morning," Brendon says, walking into the bathroom. Ryan is pushing his hair back and away from his face.

"Morning," Ryan says, but his focus elsewhere: "I need a haircut."

Brendon stands next to Ryan, looking in the mirror. "I like it. It's wavy. It's cute." He offers a smile, but Ryan won't return it.

"I hate it."

Brendon pulls his own fingers through Ryan's hair. "Well, I can always cut it for you, if you'd like."

"That won't really matter, will it?" Bitterness creeps into Ryan's voice, sharpening his words.

"What do you mean?" 

Brendon catches the reflection of Ryan's jaw clenching before he bursts out of the bathroom, back toward their bedroom. He follows Ryan, standing in the doorway.

"Ryan, what's--?"

"Don't," Ryan says. He sits on the edge of their bed, avoiding Brendon's eyes.

Brendon's chest feels tight. "What? What did--?"

"Just..." Ryan pauses; Brendon can see his throat bob. "Don't call me that. You know--we  _both_ know--"

Brendon stands on the threshold, not wanting to intrude.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Brendon offers softly. 

Ryan begins to knead his palm with his thumb. "I'm never going to be--" He looks up at Brendon, eyes flitting. "It'll never be enough. Nothing I can ever do will ever be enough."

The tightness across Brendon's chest grows at the sight of the panic in Ryan's eyes. "What do you mean?" He berates himself for being so unaware, so unable to stitch Ryan's wounds without forcing him to make them deeper first.

Ryan worries his bottom lip, looking at the floor. "I still have to wear a binder. I still have to be so careful about my clothes. I still have to be so conscientious of how I look and hold myself and be so fastidious about everything even after all these years. It's still not enough. It doesn't matter how badly I want it or how hard I try. As soon as my fucking hair grows out a few inches, everything I've worked for begins to crumble. I'm not valid. I'm not--" His voice catches and shatters in his throat. "I'm not real."

For a moment, Brendon is at a complete loss for words. He has no idea how to encompass this, how to reshape it into irrelevance. He feels his eyes begin to burn. "Ryan--"

"I don't--" Ryan brings his hands to his eyes, covering them, wiping them, hiding the weakness they hold. "I don't even deserve to be called that. That's not my real name. That's not me. The real me is called--"

"Hey," Brendon says, sitting next to Ryan. "Don't ever say that. You are the real you. You are who you've made yourself to be."

"It doesn't even fucking matter!" Ryan shouts, throwing his hands down. "I'll never be real. I'll never be what you like."

"You are all I like," Brendon says slowly, gently. "I could never want you to be anything different."

Ryan stares back at the floor, clenching his jaw. 

"Listen to me," Brendon says, inching closer to Ryan. "There is not a facet of you I would change."

Ryan says nothing, does nothing.

Brendon inhales deeply and lets it out slowly, letting it aerate his thoughts and veins. "You have taught me a lot about life and love and even about myself just by existing. You embody the innate intelligence and insight I could only be fortunate enough to witness. The most important thing I have ever learned was to disregard all preconceived notions and ideas about life and love and myself, because you broke all of them."

Finally, finally, Ryan meets Brendon's eyes. They're calmer, steadier, not flitting as much.

"You are not the man I ever imagined falling in love with, but no one could ever fill your shoulders as well as you do," Brendon continues. "You are beauty and wonder and nature tangible, and I love absolutely everything about you."

Maybe, maybe, Brendon catches a flicker of a grin on Ryan's face.

"You've worked so hard to create yourself. You deserve every crevice of the life you've made and every syllable of the name you want. You deserve nothing less than complete comfort and utter happiness."

Ryan looks down at Brendon's hand on the bedspread and covers it with his own. "Thank you," he says, squeaking the words around tears.

"You're welcome, Ry," Brendon says, putting his hand to the back of Ryan's head, pulling it close to kiss his forehead. "You are so very welcome."

A smile blooms on Ryan's lips, full of life and brightness. He catches Brendon's lips with his own before wrapping his arms around Brendon's shoulders. "I love you," he says.

"I love you too, Ry," Brendon responds, kissing the crook of Ryan's neck. "And I'll still give you that haircut, if you'd like."

Ryan feels himself unable to stop smiling. He feels Brendon's arms around his waist, a constant comfort he'll never have to live without. He feels dense sadness crumble inside his chest, giving way to buoyant joy and light thoughts.

"I'd like that very much." 


End file.
